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Parenting Styles

When I began dating my partner, Uyen, I very quickly noticed a difference between her parents and my parents. Initially I shrugged this off as a cultural difference, which is was, but I failed to acknowledge the complexity of their parenting tactics. I had experienced parents very different from my own throughout my youth but I spent relatively little time interacting with parents from cultures other than my own. I was rehearsed with different American etiquettes and political ideologies and felt like I could respond comfortably to them. However, Uyen's parents' social behaviors were unlike anything I had seen previously. Both of Uyen's parents immigrated from Vietnam and were raised very collectivist. Both of my parents are white, native-born Americans with very liberal, individualistic social views. This difference could be felt in the household dynamics--how our families divided responsibilities and socially interacted. Uyen's home functioned rather efficiently compared to mine, however her social freedoms contrasted dramatically. She had a strict curfew and was actively encouraged to spend very little time outside the home. If she violated her curfew or spent "too much" time out of the house she was severely guilted by her parents and then expected to conform to even stricter guidelines. Even then, if she tried to explain herself to her parents she was additionally scorned. Her parents considered any questioning of their authority extremely disrespectful and they held special merit for demonstrations of respect. From my perspective, Uyen was subjected to limited freedoms and had no avenue of acceptable protest. This perspective developed from my concept of parenting. My parents were very open to discussion and objections to their sets of rules. They rarely enforced these rules with aggression comparable to that of Uyen's parents. During this course, I recognized two distinct parenting styles causing this discrepancy. My parents were very permissive (and, at times, quite authoritative) and Uyen's parents were very authoritarian. This realization allowed me to better understand why Uyen's parents acted the way they did and why I had such a contrasting perspective. This also allowed me to recognize common symptoms of these parenting styles in the both of us. for example, I was often confused when Uyen felt distraught over her parents' reactions to her misbehavior. Because my parents were always open to negotiation, I assumed that Uyen would logically respond with resentment toward her parents. Their tactics seemed like an anti-motivator to me but they worked very effectively on Uyen. I considered how tolerant Uyen's parents seemed in contrast to Chinese mothers' discipline conditioning. I also began to notice Uyen's habits of discipline compared to my own (or rather lack thereof). Since then, I have discussed parenting tactics with other Americans with authoritarian parents who report very similar attitudes. I learned that the cultural differences of Uyen's parents went much deeper than parenting styles but I felt as if my scope of psychological understanding had widened.

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